Kinning

For me, kinning is a spiritual practice; I belive my kins to be my past lives. That's as close as I've come to understanding it, anyway. Across realities, I'm not sure I get to say what is "past" and what is "future," but I know that I've lived these lives as much as I'm currently living this one. These are not alters, and I do not communicate with them. I regularly uncover memories from their lives as vividly as if I experienced the moment not long ago. At least pert of my soul is in them, and at least part of their souls are in me now.

I've had a long and complicated relationship with kinning. For a long time, I laughed at and brushed it off, not believing in it. It sounded ridiculous to me. When I started to unlock memories of my time as Serana, I made an active choice to ignore it. I didn't want to know more, and I did not want to be a kinnie. Not long after, I had a very intense experience of regaining a memory of Keyleth's while watching the animated series The Legend of Vox Machina, and it was so overwhelming that I shut it out with a passion. I didn't know where to even begin with unpacking it, and I decidedly did not want to.

But of course, you can't outrun yourself forever. I've had periods of trying to dip my toes into exploring this, but it often only lasted a little while before I got freaked out and shut it out again. The one life I've never been able to completely shut out is Serana's, though. My memories of being her are the most vivid and abundant I have, so much so that I have a google doc where I write them out in detail. I may share snippets of that here from time to time! I feel the strongest connection to Serana, and enjoy being called Serana as much as I enjoy being called Indy! Feel free to use them interchangably.

You may notice that Serana is listed under a last name that is not given in the Skyrim canon. This can be your first hint that a lot of things I remember about my life as Serana are different from what is shown in Skyrim. I once had a dream where the fragments of me that are both my current self and Serana were interacting, and she supplied me with the last name Sindri. I hold that dream very close to my heart, as well as all the other details about my experiences in Tamriel. After the events of the Dawnguard questline in Skyrim, I left the province to go explore the rest of the continent, fallinjg in love with travel. I have the map of the rough path that I took, and remember vividly my times in Cyrodiil and Elsweyr especially - I came to think of Cyrodiil as my second home, after Skyrim. This lasted until I reached High Rock, where I was ambushed and killed by who I believe were a group of vampire hunters. I never got to return to my home.

It's my belief that my life as Serana was my principle/original life. What exactly that means, I'm not sure, but I feel that I originate from that life outwards. I've done a lot of thinking about why a vampire who was sworn to a daedric prince would even be allowed to be reincarnated, and this is what I've felt to be true: I did not willingly, or shall I say knowledgably, enter into Molag Bal's service. My heart lay with Kyne/Kynareth, and I worshipped her in secret. I feel that after everything I went through in that life, and the service I performed in helping to stop my father from doing some very awful things, Kyne stepped in on my behalf to prevent my soul from going to Molag Bal in my afterlife. I think she passed me along to be given more chances to do good. I struggle to reach Kyne from this plane, but I still pay her respect and honor regardless for what she did for me. It was a vital part of my journey, and I'm forever grateful. I've been through many lives sense, and it is many feeling that I've been given this current one to rest and process everything I've been through.

In life after life, I've been through many sad things. Things that have traumatized me and crushed me. To me, though, acknowledging and remembering these things does me a lot of good. I get to remember the places I've loved, and really, finally, process the worst of it so that I might make my peace with it. While I often talk about the worst things, and home I get deep feelings of homesickness, please know that it's a very healing exercise for me that allows me to face all of myself in my entirety and be authentic to my very complicated and layered spirit.

Some of the individuals on this list I don't know are kins for certain. There are false positives from time to time. I'm certain about Serana, Keyleth, and Casey, and the rest are just a strong feeling for now. I keep them listed because I feel enough of a connection to them to have my suspicions, and I have a difficult time unlisting them, which is a gut feeling I like to honor. I make plenty of mistakes in this regard, but the list stands as both my current confirmed kins and my kin suspicions.